I thought that after November's hectic schedule, December 2009 would enter my life as a blessing. I was so wrong. Besides the busy work schedule, my nights have been spent catching up with friends, catching up on my designs and writings. Catching up on my religion, and preparations for Christmas, which, in my case, would be Winter Solstices.
It is 3 o'clock in the morning now, but I am very awake. I dont know why - just earlier on I was dozing off... and now I am trembling with the grip of coldness... my mind a blank. I did something at work today, something I have never done, and it was embarrassing.... at least not since my summer vacation job... just that once.
So I am listening to my usual (melancholic) playlists now and writing this entry, not sure of where to begin. I am depressed, I would believe. Despite an Italian dinner and some great shopping with *Charliez earlier on. I got myself a couple of dresses... one of which is totally not my style. I am busy making reservations for the various dinner gatherings this month... in the dead of night. Except I feel that the night is younger than I. It seems alive, and I cannot sleep. My nerves are fried, but my eyes refuse to close. I feel I could stay up the entire night, just doing nothing, lamenting upon life and feeling miserable.
Yet the reason is unknown... at least, it is denied. I want to believe so much I could get out of it, this dark pit, and see light at the end of the tunnel eventually... but something I can't breathe in this darkness right now. I fear I might be regressing. Yes, I am going to come out of the closet and admit that I have depression. Hell, I had very serious depression. But I would never go to a doctor. I know me. I am almost a MPD-er. Once at the doc's, I know I would be myself again, and there is no way he would diagnose me with anything. I was a Psychology student... I know what I am. Depression is like an allergy, like a part of us... like a cancer that has been controlled. But it doesnt go away. It would never ever go away. The only way we can prevent it from surfacing is to keep ourselves balanced, either by medicinal aid or exercises, a healthy lifestyle.
But now, all I can feel is coldness - both inside and out. A million thoughts are racing through my mind, creating a cacophony I could probably record an entire album on. Thoughts of the past flash by like thunderbolts, thoughts of things not concerning me are stifling me as well. Yet, despite this flurry of activities in my mind, my body is sufficiently subdued. I need rest, but I am afraid to climb to my bed and lay down amongst dreams that may haunt.
Let me out. Let me talk about something else for distraction.
December is coming to a close. It is time for new resolutions and a new life ahead. I look back upon 2009 and count my blessings.
I look forward to Christmas and the celebrations, the catching up with those people I truly treasure, the short trip with mon beau (and maybe *Charliez and beau). Though, it saddens me that these days, Christmas, or rather Winter Solstices is viewed as a day for joy, fun and partying. What about the age-old traditional methods of celebrating Christmas? Looking out for the first star, savoring in the magic and enchantment Christmas is supposed to bring about?
Oh well, what does it matter? It is just another day, another 24 hours passing through the labyrinth of time.
And I am still wide awake, debating if I should take my Tarot deck out for company...
