Fabulous February 2013

Dear Diary

welcome into the arms of 2013... the year with no resolutions for me as yet... It is still surreal that we have stepped away from another year and begun a fresh 365 days.

Shadows of the past year are still following me around, sometimes playing a little hide-and-seek... I don't mind. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. I have never really believed it to be true until now.

January has been rather uneventful for me besides some dinner and drinks sessions here and there... basically it has been work, side-line, shopping, home, read / TV and sleep.

I need to start writing again. It defines me, it is something that forms a part of me, un-detachable, and it is who I am. I have the contents all in my head, but to compose them into words is a challenge. 








Other than that, I went for a short trip during the Spring Equinox period. There were some visitations to local temples and palaces, but as this is my third time there, we did more of shopping, massage and eating. 

Then there was St. Valentine's Day with mon beau.





I am back in yoga practice. Need to balance the mind, body and soul.

And I have decided that instead of letting things happen to me, I should start going out there and happen to things. 

There is death everywhere lately - natural catastrophes, illnesses and old age, shootings, accidents etc. It is a part of life, indeed, but it still doesnt erase the initial fresh pain of losing someone. My paternal relations were commenting the other day at an aunt's wake that we should stop gathering at dark events as such, and someone should organize joyous gatherings - but who? With the older generation bidding their farewell one by one, the onus lie on us to focus on staying in touch, if not, we would not even know who our kin are in future. Rest in peace and stay remembered.

The next month's entry will entice more. Till then.
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January 2013

Dear Diary

welcome into the arms of 2013... the year with no resolutions for me as yet... It is still surreal that we have stepped away from another year and begun a fresh 365 days.

Shadows of the past year are still following me around, sometimes playing a little hide-and-seek... I don't mind. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. I have never really believed it to be true until now.

January has been rather uneventful for me besides some dinner and drinks sessions here and there... basically it has been work, side-line, shopping, home, read / TV and sleep.

I need to start writing again. It defines me, it is something that forms a part of me, un-detachable, and it is who I am. I have the contents all in my head, but to compose them into words is a challenge. 

Other than that, I am preparing for an upcoming trip during the Spring Equinox period. Then there are 3 more dinners to look forward to.

I am back in yoga practice.

And I have decided that instead of letting things happen to me, I should start going out there and happen to things. 

The next month's entry will entice more. Till then.

The end of 2012

Dear Diary,

I hated November because it was an evil November.

December was supposed to be my favourite time of all the years…because of Christmas and all the festivities, gifts, shopping, vacation, dinners and parties etc. This year, I have no desire to even think of celebration.

I wrote a short memorial for mon pere, but am unsure if he will ever see it. If he had an epitaph, i would engrave this onto it.

“Why did you have to let the cold November rain sweep you along- why do you not stay another Winter, another November, another stage of my life? Now, the air feels colder, the nights seem longer, and the house seems larger - yet your footfalls seem further. In my mind you remain, in my dreams you haunt, in our lives you stay, in our hearts you are loved. And this immortalizes you, in the World you now roam...” 








I have also learned that, sometimes, hatred is a punishment unto oneself. For the first time in my life, I understand what regret means.

Does his death alter my love for darkness and death? No. If anything, it fascinates me more. It makes me wonder where one goes after the soul leaves the flesh, it makes me wonder if there is another life / lifetime after this. It makes me more curious, and hopeful that the ending of this life does not equate to the ending of everything. It makes the morbid subjects more real now, somehow.

All in all, I am very thankful for the support from close relatives and good friends - so many of them.



Gloomy subjects aside, I went for a short trip just two hours' flight away from here. It is a lovely city where there were many factory outlets for shopping, good soothing massage and I got to see the volcanoes (even went up to the crater of one). It was a good way to take away some of the depression, and I'd brought the mom along. This year it seems, that after every major, drastic crisis I have taken an overseas to overcome each one - May, August and December.

Christmas has lost its allure this year. I may regain my love and excitement for it someday again, but for now, I believe it is appropriate to mourn first.

Will 21st December 2012 mark the end of the world? It is less than two weeks away. I have no special feelings towards it whatsoever. Many prophets and believers are preparing for it, but I wonder why they bother to store up food and supplies since they won't be needing these when the world ends anyway. There are also many scientists and the commoners who do not believe in this prediction as well - since over the centuries, there had been myraid accounts of such predictions that never came true. I believe that even if it is true, the authorities or religious leaders would not alarm people because then the world would be chaotic - if everyone believes that they are all going to die soon, who would still bother to work or be law-abiding? Everyone would simply withdraw all their monies for trips, leave their jobs, rob a bank etc.

Anyway, if you fail to see another post here by end of the year, marking the beginning of a brand new year, then probably the world should have ended.

Have a good Yuletide celebration, the rest of you out there.

A November to Remember

Dear Diary,

November is here, but why does it behave like December, with its rainfalls and chilly temperatures?

Hurricane Sandy has taken over a piece of the American pie... My heart goes out to the lives lost and homes destroyed. The US of A definitely seems to be facing a fair share of crises recently- Hurricane Katherina which took New Orleans by storm, and the debt deficit etc.

As for me, I have been busy with my day-job, projects and writing. Need to keep busy so my mind doesn't wander, and so I feel life is meaningful, after all.

Rest assured that the dinners and drinks with much treasured friends are still in place, and ongoing, though.

Helped plan my firm's trip this year. I think I did a great job despite the Managing Director's last minute changes and all. Flights and hotels all in. I was reticent to go initially- in fact I was adamant - because of the companionship, selected destination and because the trip is taking place in December (my busiest month of the year). Then suddenly, one of the best friends texted to say she was there for a month, having hailed from halfway across the world. I was sold immediately- what's better than being to fly with the company and yet get to hang out with the Bestie?




The other day, I was just taking a stroll to clear my mind. Then, suddenly it occurred to me that ...the world is so vast..it makes searching for someone difficult. We could walk for days on end, amongst open, large spaces, and yet not finding who we set out to find, makes one feel constricted and hard to breathe. Its a scary feeling. Have you ever experienced that?

I just realize that beauty and sensuality is not how one looks alone. Beauty and sensuality is how one actually feels, and by feeling it, we exude what we feel and others are influenced by the energy that we exude. it makes such a great difference, to simply change the mindset. If you believe you are beautiful, and behave as though you are it, then you somehow become it. Its strange, but it works.



Mindset. Speaking of that, I realize that I'm still trying to find myself after all these years. I don't know who I am exactly, or what I am. I imitate people alot- pick up certain traits and mannerisms here and there, behave like different characters that I come across, and allow the allure of different cultures to infiltrate into me and create who I am- simply a hybrid of everything. Like, if I see a good-looking gentleman and I like the way he behaves, I steal a little of his cold smoothness and adapt it to my own; then I see the arrogance of a lovely actress, and I learn the ways of being so, as well.  In the end, I become this creation of different accents, mannerisms and thoughts, I never learn who I was born to be, really.

Christmas is coming, I can feel it when I walk along the festively decorated streets. I can feel it when I think of the dinner parties I am planning. I can feel it in the cold winds that caress my skin lately.  I never stop getting excited about Christmas, it is inevitable. I had thought I was the only one, until my one of my clients - who is an elegant socialite in her 40s - told me she was excited about Christmas as well. I guess it is one of those periods that makes one happier, more forgiving, feel warmer towards all those close to them, while we try to ignore the passing of another year.....

kisses,
-----<------ span="span">(@

Month of the Samhain

Dear Diary

another month has decided to walk by, without turning its head or giving any warning...Yes, this is the month of the Samhain (or more often known as "Halloween"). I shall celebrate it the traditional way this year... No tricks or treats, no parties, but the way it is supposed to be celebrated.
What happened in September?

Busy meeting friends for belated birthday celebrations and catching up - there are so many of them with birthdays in August (3 of my best friends have theirs in Aug) and September, as well. As I was busy travelling in August, I had to meet them in September, hence pushing the celebrations of the September babies to October.
Then I attended the Formula 1 (F1) Night Race - engines purring of Ferraris and Porsches... whats not to love?

And there were the myraid projects I was working on. The property project is pushed back toward November, so I had to impart more knowledge. And the internet marketing is so fun - who would've known that there is so much to learn about it? SEO, article marketing platforms, traffic and lead tracking, etc. And there was the autumn equinox whereby we had my favorite luna pastries. 







October will be more celebrations, mainly for the September friends. More personal projects. More diet (yes, I believe I gained weight). Creating a new identity, away from Ellouisa. It is time she leaves, like how she left 
Estella behind, and how Estella in turn left Iris in the dust for Adeyline. Confusing? No, they are not alters, just different personas. We can really become who we want to be, if we try. The way you talk, the way you act, the way you act, even the way you exude different kind of energy. It's all in the mind.

Just like how my boss shared today, at the weekly meeting, about everything being in the mind, including our pains, ailments and sufferings. I have known that for a long time....

But I did not concur verbally. There is no need for me to draw attention here. They do not know my secret, neither am I ready to disclose. They wonder why I am there- overqualified, nothing like them, etc. I know; they tried to probe as well. They do not know how hard it is for me, having been my own boss and the superior of many others, even employer to my PAs, giving instructions, being strong-headed... and now I am playing it so low-key, taking orders, wishing so bad I could go back out there and fight the corporate wars again... I am not ungrateful, but I was made for bigger things, you see? Would you understand the pain, and how hard it is for me to ignore it and kill the past like it never happened? 

Reading "Moll Flanders" by Daniel Defoe makes me smile in irony. Her story seem to depict mine - everytime she inherited a fortune and led a good life, it would not last. It was a repeated cycle of bliss, downfall, 

despondency, and bliss, downfall, despondency all over again- that sometimes she had to resort to crimes or degrading means to get what she wanted. No 2 stories are identical of course, but if you cut some key words from my life and paste it into hers, you would find that it might have been Daniel Defoe's prophecy of my life.


What makes life so? Who decides who we should cross paths with, and the outcome? Life is so fragile, anything could shatter it easily - accidents leading to disability, markets plunging leading to bankruptcy, etc, all leading to death eventually.  When a mother first brings a child into the world- how does she determine whether to spoil him / her, or to be strict and demanding? If the child should return to the otherworld before the mother, how should the mother feel -- happy that she had at least provided the child with everything he / she could have wished for, or remorse that not enough was given, that the compulsory piano lessons learned were now wasted and that the kid deserved more play time than all these inflicted stress? 

What makes someone perfectly fine, with the ability to walk, see, read, talk, sing, and react want to take their own lives? What gives another person the right to put others down by demeaning or degrading them, hurting them? Can people not see that it is a miracle for someone to be able to function normally- able to walk, talk, see, react, etc without a painful malfunction? Can't everyone learn to respect the beauty of such complexity?

I do not know who my new character will be yet, at least not completely. But I have started with the dressing - instead of all dark-colored dresses, the colors have to come in; white has to shed some light. 

Began learning my French properly and finally. Happy.

Till the next time - with a boatload of kisses and ramblings meant for the intellectuals..... smooches, darlings.
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Sleepless in September

Dear Diary

Here I am again, writing my monthly update, before my nightcap of Cabernet Sauvignon for the road to sweet slumber. The skies outside my window is reddened with the promise of rain, but sadly, the clouds refused to weep.

I enjoyed my last trip so very much - the vineyards, the koalas (they look like stuffed animals on trees), the pace of life, the stores, and the beauty of the place. In fact, I like it so much that I am beginning to research more on it, and similar places, for opportunities of migration someday.

My country is one that ranks incoming immigrants above its own citizens; and while I may be able to live through it for my generation, I fear for my descendants the kind of life they may have here. I have never, ever known or believed that foreigners going to a strange land have the right to criticize its people and culture, and even try to reform. Till now. More often, the critics are from countries that are underdeveloped and the people rather uncultured, which by right - them being allowed to work and live here, should be a blessing. But no, of course, they need us to accommodate them, give in to them, even integrate into their way of life. Wow, what are we - the Last Heaven on Earth replacing Bora Bora?



So, what else is new?

Wardrobe reform? I don't know. See, most of the times, I am in skirts or dresses. In fact, i am so seldom in pants I barely remember owning any. Lately, though, when I hit the malls, I will try on pantsuits or leggings / tights. I guess the right combination of blouse / shirt and accessories can create a very feminine look as well. Maybe its time for more changes...

I have been busy, with little time for social activities save for once or twice a week. There are many friends I miss, and long to catch up with soon.

I hold a day job now - a nine-sixer. The idea of waking up at dawn had daunted me at first, but I recovered from that rather quickly. I was used to a lifestyle of hitting the bed at 3am and waking only around 9am. This part has been changed, and it surprised me I could actually fall asleep before 2am without tossing and turning in fitful doses as I had expected. It is good returning to an old trade.

I joined an online marketing blogging platform as well (another blog). It is something like a pyramid concept. My pyramid has yet to receive its shares of buried treasures, but I will keep you posted, darlings, once I start to build it higher. It is fun to dawdle with in the meantime. Online marketing for a dinosaur like me? Yes.


Then... I also volunteered with the local Red Cross and World Wildlife Fund and have been helping out with assignments at times. It has been something I have been meaning to partake in since young. What better than giving something back to Mother Earth in a meaningful way and at the same time knowing more new faces?

I am working on my novel/s as well. Just discovered another arm of Macmillan looking for short stories too. So I have that to keep me busy in the publishing of my SECOND book.

Well... I also undertook a couple of assignments to impart my command of good English to some students. It doesnt take much to be linguistically-able, in fact languages are very fun subjects. I have the gift of it, so why not let more people enjoy the beauty of this gift?

Lastly, I am also involved in some property-related program that requires me to do recruitment and rental. Here is another aspect of trade I have always been keen to explore, but never had the time or guts to.

I am swamped, yes. This time, I can truly testify that being granted 24 hours a day is not sufficient at all. But mon cheries, what better than to learn, explore and get involved in new, interesting things while I do not have other commitments i.e. family for now? Being busy keeps me on  my toes and keeps my mind from wandering to dark thoughts.

Life is full, and no one tells you how to live or run it, remember this, sweethearts.

In the meantime, I need to sign off for my nightcap and perhaps 40 winks of sleep before I get 40 wrinkles in the morning. Will keep you in my thoughts. Kisses

-----<----(@

Aghast August

Dear Diary, 

August creeps so gently in, I almost missed the line it has crossed.

Thus begins the belief in the seven-year itch, in con-artist's use of magic to influence, in winning wars, in healing holidays, and cherishing the support garnered.

The seven-year itch? Aye, simply a repetition of uncertainties and unpleasantries, like a test waiting for me to pass. It was almost deja vu.

Con artists? Aye, that too. So now its material loss and a trade at stake. Oh well, lose them I shall, but they will someday burn at my own stakes. Sweet things are worth waiting for.

Wars to be won? Mais oui. If I do not, there would be the tattoo of darkness against otherwise unblemished realms. The verdict was a shock, it still stuns me, it all feels so surreal. Sometimes I feel like I'm preparing for a funereal event. So, I have to win this war, by all means. This is indeed a test, a time in which my mind has to work hard, and fast. I am so proud of some of the things I have thought of I am certain there’s a genius in me – just wish I’d worked it harder months back.





Healing holidays on a hiatus basis? I suppose they could help- last week it was a city reachable by coach buses. Food, caves, food, and shopping, and my best friend in le monde.  Next week, the destination would be a city reachable by flight, vineyards, chocolates, animals with pockets below the bosom, and a new good friend's hospitality. Frivolous? Mais non, its a remedy.

I am thankful for the support of those who know the truth and believe only the truth. Speculations and rumors have flown, but only those who deserve the truth were accorded such. Its in times like this I see clearly who're the keepers and who're those to be shown the doors.

August, tres exciting. Its the most memorable thus far. Still, I shall let the rest of this peculiar year slowly unfold ...

Bask in my love in the meantime, sweethearts. Au revoir.

-----<-------(@

For the month after June

Dear Diary

Time flies by faster than the speed at which my fingers are flying across the keyboard (and mind you, my typing speed is currently at at least 80 wpm). Faster than the winds could distinguish a blazing candleflame.  You mean Independance Day has passed? You mean I have missed another Friday the 13th?

I know not what new updates there are, there I feel worthy of writing. What, that each day that flies by reminds me that I am getting closer to the big 30? That with each happy event I celebrate for myself or my friends, I need to leave some space in my heart for the suffering? That with each tragedy i witness, I needto be prepared to lend my hand or ears? I used to believe this was what I was born for, but life takes turns that lands one in strange corners and when we emerge we are often changed.



 Things appear so uncertain now, sometimes I cannot bear to think about it. I only wish I had paid more attention to my dreams- which often forewarns of events or occurences that will occur eventually. Who is this guardian angel or higher entity who often keeps me from harm and shows me the future?

I feel like Queen Mary of Scotland when she was awaiting her verdict. Things seem so shady now, I wish I had an inkling. Though I live, breath, work and go out for teas and dinners everyday, I live with this fear everyday. Alternatives are constantly thrusting themselves in my head, at times I feel like i am shopping for a solution. Jeffrey Archer has a book that I soon may be re-writing. Well, not literally, but the worst case scenario may give me the experience to create more works from. There are supportive people I have met, but the sins have been planted. I could wish the harm-bringer the most awful death possible - hell, I may even be capable of inflicting it someday - but I shall not. If I believe in my guardian angel / higher entity, I believe too, that this harm-bringer shall suffer worse, at the hands of my unseen protector.



 Speaking of books, my book is out. Anyone who wishes details or information on getting a copy, feel free to contact me directly at mysterious_glow023@amystickalgrove.zzn.com. It's freaky, because my publisher has never met me in person or seen my most recent picture before, but the girl illustrated on the cover page bears an uncanny resemblence to me.

They used to warn me, "be careful what you wish for". I believe these six words now. If I could wish all over again, trust me, peace and simplicity is all I yearn for. Perhaps this is just not my year, or the accumulation of past shadows catching up.

Till my next update, sunshines, un soleil. Kisses and all my love.
-----<-------(@

Mid-year scripts

Dear Diary

I do not know where to begin. June has slowly crawled its way into 2012's belly and there's fire literally - its so hot I fear the icebergs will melt at the poles and we'll all die by draughts or floods eventually. Maybe the Mayans were prophetic- who knows?

I don't really care.

Last month had been like an episode out of some televised drama - the good fun and bad fun made up the rides of an emotional roller-coaster that I probably rode for the first time in my life. There was a holiday trip in which I enjoyed for the mountains and great food; there were celebrations for the good old mom; there was news that my book is ready for order soon; there was the great relevation that someone I trusted is a crook and I am am meeting my Lawyer to try to bring him to court, and then there was the visit from my best friend and her beau. So I played tour guide and enjoyed the mini tours and catching up as well.

Hectic-ness over, it is back to work, peace, meditation, studies of the Craft, financial planning for myself and more work. I am using a new business model. That, and I signed myself up as a volunteer in Red Cross and WWF.

  

And I got really interested in the news lately, greedily savoring them everyday, keeping myself busy on collecting knowledge on what's happening around the world these days. Disasters, shootings, accidents, financial crisises - good to know the world is making merry sadistically!

GARBAGE is coming to town in August. I have loved Shirley Manson's (isnt she lovely?) voice and the band's dark, cynical lyrics since young. They made sense (still do), and they dare to attack many topics on hand. I waited for over a decade and there's no way I will miss their gig here. Take a listen to their "Milk" , "The World is not Enough" and "Stroke of Luck" to get yourself familiarized.

    

At the meeting today, my director was flashing some picture of a French restaurant on the slide and when no one knew how to pronounce the name, he suddenly said," Elle looks french, do you know how to pronounce this?" Huh. What a stunner, Boss. He is not on my Facebook, nor do I do anything French in the office, so how does he know my penchant for it? I do read French, but I can't really speak it oops. Lessons are in order.

Till July, mon cheres.

-----<-----(@