Mid-year Analysis

Dear Diary,

Half the year has managed to squeeze by - not unnoticed, but still, I am amazed at the speed with which it travels... Does it really need to match lightning?

 A couple of planned trips may have to be forgone, for now, due to some changes. Ahhh, pity, how I miss travelling.

But I am happy - i never used to think happiness was possible. Always used to think that contentment would suffice, but then I realize that I could go beyond it. I don't need a lot to be in a happy state - beautiful things make me happy ( so does shopping, this means!). Chilling out at new restaurants / cafes / lounges make me happy. Catching up with old friends and meeting new friends make me happy. Reading a good book, watching a good play or movie, taking a vacation, trying out a new activity and partying make me happy as well.  Doing something meaningful like charity work or helping someone in need makes me happy, too. The catch is, there should be an assortment of the abovementioned events in my weekly planner to make me truly satisfied. 



I love new experiences. Sports, painting a canvass, visiting a museum, dressing up for an overpriced dinner, playing tour guide to foreign friends, playing a musical instrument - I am up for anything,  even if it means I may only get to try it once In my lifetime. Why grow old without getting to try something new or interesting? I am not super wealthy - and lately Mommy Dearest just loves reminding me of that windfall I was entitled to, if not for my blind faith - but one has to manage their own resources to make room for therapies ( spa, retail, adrenalin, binge, culture...)

There is a song that I can relate to, by Charlene. Yes, I have never been to me.  Call it masks, facades, versatility...mirrors tell lies. i search my soul and often, puzzle over who / what I truly am. My favorite quote by Shakespeare goes "All the world's a stage, the men and women merely actors" ...  Your Body is a temple - worship it well, and it will give you whatever you want, do whatever you ask, bring you wherever you wish to head to...



My dreams at night are starting to come true again... And this fascinates me. A chance encounter with someone whom I thought I would never see again, has thus confirmed it. 
Lastly, I have gotten rid of the dilemma and came to a final decision. The seekers just keep coming, each one bearing a better ....reward. Honestly, I am flattered, and as such I thank whichever Entity that hath blessed... More to come in the next update, promise me that you'd stay tuned...

smooches.

May-fare Bitches

Dear Diary,  

So someone had torn off almost half of 2013, leaving behind more memories and drawing us closer to Summer's warmth. Like the good Mayfair Witches, this month has been filled with happiness, sadness, disappointments, elation, passion and a myriad of other events...one of the most turmoil I have underwent recently.

Many of my good friends are travelling this month - USA, Maldives, Asia, etc... I wish I were one of them..like last year, it had been fun. It feels like Summer in the other half of the world- where everyone escapes to a cooler region, away from Summer's blazing touch. And I am left behind, looking through their photo uploads and casting reminisces upon my own recollections of those places that I have visited... I love travelling - who doesn't? It is not just about relaxing, having fun, not just about shopping, sight-seeing and good food! It is really about learning to infiltrate into the culture and lifestyle and history of a certain country, experiencing lives as the natives, and understanding that country better. It is about discovering exotic new sights and venues, and making new friends in a new city, journalling down the details of the journeys... somewhat... romantic, no?




There have been golf sessions, and baking session - the latter of which is a revival of one of my interests of earlier days - muffins, cookies, pizzas etc, only this time round, we'd done the massive cake baking itself. With all these ready-prepared cake mix packages though, nothing is too much of a challenge. More convenient, less failure rate, yes, but it takes the fun of root of baking. Of course, I believe, the taste and texture are compromised, as well.

There have been lunches with family, tea and drinks with friends, and an upcoming steak dinner party complete with wine and good company. Have I mentioned I love food? No, the average Joe who sees me now would think I am a Vegan or anorexic, that I am, too. But I do love the chewy texture of red meats, the succulent juiciness of seafood, the sweetness of almost all pastries, and the new experience of trying new, exotic dishes. These are indulgences I have to have, to feel alive. Though, in situations when I could only choose one meal or day or one dish a meal, it would be the veggie / fruit I go for - my body needs the Vitamins and fiber. Health comes before my wandering appetite.




This month, two of my best friends (yes, I am one of those blessed ones who have a score of besties who have been through thick and thin with me) are getting married. One of them is halfway across the world, which, regrettably, I am unable to attend - I will be there for her wedding ceremony in August though. The other one is tonight - which, shortly, I shall be dressing up and heading out for catching up with good friends before we head over to the wedding dinner together.

I love dressing up to go out - to go special places, to go nice dinners, to go for formal socializing. I think it is exciting, plowing through the rows of gowns and dresses, getting the makeup right, looking good and confident at beautiful, elegant places. Think, candlelights, mirrors, lovely carpeted floors and gigantic chandeliers. Views are a plus, but all is good.

That said, it is time for a good Lavender shower before I paint my face and don the pearls and head out ....
In the meantime, smooches for you all, dearies. Have a good month my darlings - next month, there will be something exciting, I promise. I may want to rid the misery and masks once and for all. Au revoir.
----<----- span="">(@

month of the Diamonds - April

Dear Diary

The first quarter of 2013 has flown by on unseen wings.. and here I am, penning another entry (not with quill on parchment, unfortunately). 

It's funny, sometimes I sound so much like a man in the way I pen my words, I ought to be part of the Bronte Sisters. Was chatting with a new friend the other day and he was asking about my poetry... I said to him, like arts, poetry is how one chooses to interpret it. A male may see a piece of artwork as sensual whereas a female may interpret it was being sensational. Same goes for poetry - there is no definite meaning to it, like life, like music. He also told me that I could do cryptic very well. I like the sound of that.

The starting of this month had passed by pretty much in a daze - drinks, drinks and drinks, unintentionally planned so. Quality bonding with new and old friends for whom I am blessed to have in my life. What wish does this Aries has this month? Shall I sum it up into simply "greeneries, sceneries, wineries and fineries"?



When I was young, I used to yearn to be able to own lovely things, go on trips, dine at elegant restaurants, dress up stylishly and meet powerful / semi-important people. I guess to a certain extent, I had a taste of it... some of these still remain in my blood and memories... but where does this get me? Where would more quality wine or a license + ready-waiting vintage sports car get me? The departure of someone dear to me was like a wake-up call ringing so true, a lesson learned that would remain my eternal wound. He has taught me the gift of learning to cherish the people around me, people who have formed a part of my life whether by choice or not... and he has taught me this lesson with his own life.  I have never known regret until I have lost him... but since I never had the chance to cherish him, I shall have to do it with all the precious family, kin and friends. Love you, Dd.

I miss the old team so much as well.... the meaningful discussions, the high of achievements, the afternoon teas, the wonderful managers and the guys I had so much fun with day and night; striving together to reach our goals together. It was more than just a loss of career; it was like a loss of identity, all of a sudden, surreal, but I will find my way out. It is wonderful to know that we are still friends and I can still count on you guys.

The current ones are wonderful as well, I guess I just need to rise from the pile of ashes and be the phoenix again... 

Tried to file my income tax returns but the SingPass is forgotten again. What's this, the tenth time? Damn. Been eating so little these days I would not be surprised if I'm being mistaken for a Vegan or worse, anorexic. But it just isnt easy to maintain being svelte, it takes a good diet, exercise and less sitting around, really.

Thanks for patronizing, dearhearts. I'll see you in May. Smooches.
----<----- span="">(@

Marching by 2013

Dear Diary,

So, I have completed Step One of my resolution  - of simply happening to things instead of letting them happen to me, ever again. It will not be an easy feat, but the mind, flesh and soul have to work very closely together hand-in-hand.

While I am thankful for all that have gone my way so far, the road ahead will still be unpredictable. I am not able to prepare for everything, but changing the way I see, and handle things, help a lot.

There has been some extravagant splurges this month, so it has put my shopping to a halt for now, while I focus on the new career on hand. There are bags (and a list of other things I intend to get soon), and the new Blackberry z10 in WHITE.



Training has been intensive so far, but I guess at least I am going into an industry for which I have always been keen in. While the last industry had been comfortable, a taint has prevented the possibility of reaching 
professional status, hence I aborted the safe haven and ventured out. Farewell had been difficult, everyone there had been angels, but I guess angels'  wings do have to spread and take off, eventually...

And the previous industry before last, will no longer be an available option for me ever again now, regrettably.

Well, new changes, new mindset, and new status soon. I am contemplating changing the name again, as I tire of this current one, and it had brought me a fair bit of trouble. But perhaps, I shall wait till the tides are over, then I will change the name again - the third and (hopefully, final) one that I have thought of, a long time ago.

Free time? Spent with the family, playing nurse this month, meeting the friends, and helping out with mon beau's and the bro's businesses. Slowly falling in love with Lana Del Rey's songs and voice day by day.

The extreme exhaustion I had been feeling previously had worn off, as did the tendency to feel cold very easily.
Call it blessings, or doing things my way, I can already begin the feel the changes slowly swallowing me up.
May all those I love be blessed, too.

-----<------- span="" style="color: red;">(@

Fabulous February 2013

Dear Diary

welcome into the arms of 2013... the year with no resolutions for me as yet... It is still surreal that we have stepped away from another year and begun a fresh 365 days.

Shadows of the past year are still following me around, sometimes playing a little hide-and-seek... I don't mind. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. I have never really believed it to be true until now.

January has been rather uneventful for me besides some dinner and drinks sessions here and there... basically it has been work, side-line, shopping, home, read / TV and sleep.

I need to start writing again. It defines me, it is something that forms a part of me, un-detachable, and it is who I am. I have the contents all in my head, but to compose them into words is a challenge. 








Other than that, I went for a short trip during the Spring Equinox period. There were some visitations to local temples and palaces, but as this is my third time there, we did more of shopping, massage and eating. 

Then there was St. Valentine's Day with mon beau.





I am back in yoga practice. Need to balance the mind, body and soul.

And I have decided that instead of letting things happen to me, I should start going out there and happen to things. 

There is death everywhere lately - natural catastrophes, illnesses and old age, shootings, accidents etc. It is a part of life, indeed, but it still doesnt erase the initial fresh pain of losing someone. My paternal relations were commenting the other day at an aunt's wake that we should stop gathering at dark events as such, and someone should organize joyous gatherings - but who? With the older generation bidding their farewell one by one, the onus lie on us to focus on staying in touch, if not, we would not even know who our kin are in future. Rest in peace and stay remembered.

The next month's entry will entice more. Till then.
-----<----- span="">(@

January 2013

Dear Diary

welcome into the arms of 2013... the year with no resolutions for me as yet... It is still surreal that we have stepped away from another year and begun a fresh 365 days.

Shadows of the past year are still following me around, sometimes playing a little hide-and-seek... I don't mind. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. I have never really believed it to be true until now.

January has been rather uneventful for me besides some dinner and drinks sessions here and there... basically it has been work, side-line, shopping, home, read / TV and sleep.

I need to start writing again. It defines me, it is something that forms a part of me, un-detachable, and it is who I am. I have the contents all in my head, but to compose them into words is a challenge. 

Other than that, I am preparing for an upcoming trip during the Spring Equinox period. Then there are 3 more dinners to look forward to.

I am back in yoga practice.

And I have decided that instead of letting things happen to me, I should start going out there and happen to things. 

The next month's entry will entice more. Till then.

The end of 2012

Dear Diary,

I hated November because it was an evil November.

December was supposed to be my favourite time of all the years…because of Christmas and all the festivities, gifts, shopping, vacation, dinners and parties etc. This year, I have no desire to even think of celebration.

I wrote a short memorial for mon pere, but am unsure if he will ever see it. If he had an epitaph, i would engrave this onto it.

“Why did you have to let the cold November rain sweep you along- why do you not stay another Winter, another November, another stage of my life? Now, the air feels colder, the nights seem longer, and the house seems larger - yet your footfalls seem further. In my mind you remain, in my dreams you haunt, in our lives you stay, in our hearts you are loved. And this immortalizes you, in the World you now roam...” 








I have also learned that, sometimes, hatred is a punishment unto oneself. For the first time in my life, I understand what regret means.

Does his death alter my love for darkness and death? No. If anything, it fascinates me more. It makes me wonder where one goes after the soul leaves the flesh, it makes me wonder if there is another life / lifetime after this. It makes me more curious, and hopeful that the ending of this life does not equate to the ending of everything. It makes the morbid subjects more real now, somehow.

All in all, I am very thankful for the support from close relatives and good friends - so many of them.



Gloomy subjects aside, I went for a short trip just two hours' flight away from here. It is a lovely city where there were many factory outlets for shopping, good soothing massage and I got to see the volcanoes (even went up to the crater of one). It was a good way to take away some of the depression, and I'd brought the mom along. This year it seems, that after every major, drastic crisis I have taken an overseas to overcome each one - May, August and December.

Christmas has lost its allure this year. I may regain my love and excitement for it someday again, but for now, I believe it is appropriate to mourn first.

Will 21st December 2012 mark the end of the world? It is less than two weeks away. I have no special feelings towards it whatsoever. Many prophets and believers are preparing for it, but I wonder why they bother to store up food and supplies since they won't be needing these when the world ends anyway. There are also many scientists and the commoners who do not believe in this prediction as well - since over the centuries, there had been myraid accounts of such predictions that never came true. I believe that even if it is true, the authorities or religious leaders would not alarm people because then the world would be chaotic - if everyone believes that they are all going to die soon, who would still bother to work or be law-abiding? Everyone would simply withdraw all their monies for trips, leave their jobs, rob a bank etc.

Anyway, if you fail to see another post here by end of the year, marking the beginning of a brand new year, then probably the world should have ended.

Have a good Yuletide celebration, the rest of you out there.

A November to Remember

Dear Diary,

November is here, but why does it behave like December, with its rainfalls and chilly temperatures?

Hurricane Sandy has taken over a piece of the American pie... My heart goes out to the lives lost and homes destroyed. The US of A definitely seems to be facing a fair share of crises recently- Hurricane Katherina which took New Orleans by storm, and the debt deficit etc.

As for me, I have been busy with my day-job, projects and writing. Need to keep busy so my mind doesn't wander, and so I feel life is meaningful, after all.

Rest assured that the dinners and drinks with much treasured friends are still in place, and ongoing, though.

Helped plan my firm's trip this year. I think I did a great job despite the Managing Director's last minute changes and all. Flights and hotels all in. I was reticent to go initially- in fact I was adamant - because of the companionship, selected destination and because the trip is taking place in December (my busiest month of the year). Then suddenly, one of the best friends texted to say she was there for a month, having hailed from halfway across the world. I was sold immediately- what's better than being to fly with the company and yet get to hang out with the Bestie?




The other day, I was just taking a stroll to clear my mind. Then, suddenly it occurred to me that ...the world is so vast..it makes searching for someone difficult. We could walk for days on end, amongst open, large spaces, and yet not finding who we set out to find, makes one feel constricted and hard to breathe. Its a scary feeling. Have you ever experienced that?

I just realize that beauty and sensuality is not how one looks alone. Beauty and sensuality is how one actually feels, and by feeling it, we exude what we feel and others are influenced by the energy that we exude. it makes such a great difference, to simply change the mindset. If you believe you are beautiful, and behave as though you are it, then you somehow become it. Its strange, but it works.



Mindset. Speaking of that, I realize that I'm still trying to find myself after all these years. I don't know who I am exactly, or what I am. I imitate people alot- pick up certain traits and mannerisms here and there, behave like different characters that I come across, and allow the allure of different cultures to infiltrate into me and create who I am- simply a hybrid of everything. Like, if I see a good-looking gentleman and I like the way he behaves, I steal a little of his cold smoothness and adapt it to my own; then I see the arrogance of a lovely actress, and I learn the ways of being so, as well.  In the end, I become this creation of different accents, mannerisms and thoughts, I never learn who I was born to be, really.

Christmas is coming, I can feel it when I walk along the festively decorated streets. I can feel it when I think of the dinner parties I am planning. I can feel it in the cold winds that caress my skin lately.  I never stop getting excited about Christmas, it is inevitable. I had thought I was the only one, until my one of my clients - who is an elegant socialite in her 40s - told me she was excited about Christmas as well. I guess it is one of those periods that makes one happier, more forgiving, feel warmer towards all those close to them, while we try to ignore the passing of another year.....

kisses,
-----<------ span="span">(@

Month of the Samhain

Dear Diary

another month has decided to walk by, without turning its head or giving any warning...Yes, this is the month of the Samhain (or more often known as "Halloween"). I shall celebrate it the traditional way this year... No tricks or treats, no parties, but the way it is supposed to be celebrated.
What happened in September?

Busy meeting friends for belated birthday celebrations and catching up - there are so many of them with birthdays in August (3 of my best friends have theirs in Aug) and September, as well. As I was busy travelling in August, I had to meet them in September, hence pushing the celebrations of the September babies to October.
Then I attended the Formula 1 (F1) Night Race - engines purring of Ferraris and Porsches... whats not to love?

And there were the myraid projects I was working on. The property project is pushed back toward November, so I had to impart more knowledge. And the internet marketing is so fun - who would've known that there is so much to learn about it? SEO, article marketing platforms, traffic and lead tracking, etc. And there was the autumn equinox whereby we had my favorite luna pastries. 







October will be more celebrations, mainly for the September friends. More personal projects. More diet (yes, I believe I gained weight). Creating a new identity, away from Ellouisa. It is time she leaves, like how she left 
Estella behind, and how Estella in turn left Iris in the dust for Adeyline. Confusing? No, they are not alters, just different personas. We can really become who we want to be, if we try. The way you talk, the way you act, the way you act, even the way you exude different kind of energy. It's all in the mind.

Just like how my boss shared today, at the weekly meeting, about everything being in the mind, including our pains, ailments and sufferings. I have known that for a long time....

But I did not concur verbally. There is no need for me to draw attention here. They do not know my secret, neither am I ready to disclose. They wonder why I am there- overqualified, nothing like them, etc. I know; they tried to probe as well. They do not know how hard it is for me, having been my own boss and the superior of many others, even employer to my PAs, giving instructions, being strong-headed... and now I am playing it so low-key, taking orders, wishing so bad I could go back out there and fight the corporate wars again... I am not ungrateful, but I was made for bigger things, you see? Would you understand the pain, and how hard it is for me to ignore it and kill the past like it never happened? 

Reading "Moll Flanders" by Daniel Defoe makes me smile in irony. Her story seem to depict mine - everytime she inherited a fortune and led a good life, it would not last. It was a repeated cycle of bliss, downfall, 

despondency, and bliss, downfall, despondency all over again- that sometimes she had to resort to crimes or degrading means to get what she wanted. No 2 stories are identical of course, but if you cut some key words from my life and paste it into hers, you would find that it might have been Daniel Defoe's prophecy of my life.


What makes life so? Who decides who we should cross paths with, and the outcome? Life is so fragile, anything could shatter it easily - accidents leading to disability, markets plunging leading to bankruptcy, etc, all leading to death eventually.  When a mother first brings a child into the world- how does she determine whether to spoil him / her, or to be strict and demanding? If the child should return to the otherworld before the mother, how should the mother feel -- happy that she had at least provided the child with everything he / she could have wished for, or remorse that not enough was given, that the compulsory piano lessons learned were now wasted and that the kid deserved more play time than all these inflicted stress? 

What makes someone perfectly fine, with the ability to walk, see, read, talk, sing, and react want to take their own lives? What gives another person the right to put others down by demeaning or degrading them, hurting them? Can people not see that it is a miracle for someone to be able to function normally- able to walk, talk, see, react, etc without a painful malfunction? Can't everyone learn to respect the beauty of such complexity?

I do not know who my new character will be yet, at least not completely. But I have started with the dressing - instead of all dark-colored dresses, the colors have to come in; white has to shed some light. 

Began learning my French properly and finally. Happy.

Till the next time - with a boatload of kisses and ramblings meant for the intellectuals..... smooches, darlings.
----<----- span="span">(@

Sleepless in September

Dear Diary

Here I am again, writing my monthly update, before my nightcap of Cabernet Sauvignon for the road to sweet slumber. The skies outside my window is reddened with the promise of rain, but sadly, the clouds refused to weep.

I enjoyed my last trip so very much - the vineyards, the koalas (they look like stuffed animals on trees), the pace of life, the stores, and the beauty of the place. In fact, I like it so much that I am beginning to research more on it, and similar places, for opportunities of migration someday.

My country is one that ranks incoming immigrants above its own citizens; and while I may be able to live through it for my generation, I fear for my descendants the kind of life they may have here. I have never, ever known or believed that foreigners going to a strange land have the right to criticize its people and culture, and even try to reform. Till now. More often, the critics are from countries that are underdeveloped and the people rather uncultured, which by right - them being allowed to work and live here, should be a blessing. But no, of course, they need us to accommodate them, give in to them, even integrate into their way of life. Wow, what are we - the Last Heaven on Earth replacing Bora Bora?



So, what else is new?

Wardrobe reform? I don't know. See, most of the times, I am in skirts or dresses. In fact, i am so seldom in pants I barely remember owning any. Lately, though, when I hit the malls, I will try on pantsuits or leggings / tights. I guess the right combination of blouse / shirt and accessories can create a very feminine look as well. Maybe its time for more changes...

I have been busy, with little time for social activities save for once or twice a week. There are many friends I miss, and long to catch up with soon.

I hold a day job now - a nine-sixer. The idea of waking up at dawn had daunted me at first, but I recovered from that rather quickly. I was used to a lifestyle of hitting the bed at 3am and waking only around 9am. This part has been changed, and it surprised me I could actually fall asleep before 2am without tossing and turning in fitful doses as I had expected. It is good returning to an old trade.

I joined an online marketing blogging platform as well (another blog). It is something like a pyramid concept. My pyramid has yet to receive its shares of buried treasures, but I will keep you posted, darlings, once I start to build it higher. It is fun to dawdle with in the meantime. Online marketing for a dinosaur like me? Yes.


Then... I also volunteered with the local Red Cross and World Wildlife Fund and have been helping out with assignments at times. It has been something I have been meaning to partake in since young. What better than giving something back to Mother Earth in a meaningful way and at the same time knowing more new faces?

I am working on my novel/s as well. Just discovered another arm of Macmillan looking for short stories too. So I have that to keep me busy in the publishing of my SECOND book.

Well... I also undertook a couple of assignments to impart my command of good English to some students. It doesnt take much to be linguistically-able, in fact languages are very fun subjects. I have the gift of it, so why not let more people enjoy the beauty of this gift?

Lastly, I am also involved in some property-related program that requires me to do recruitment and rental. Here is another aspect of trade I have always been keen to explore, but never had the time or guts to.

I am swamped, yes. This time, I can truly testify that being granted 24 hours a day is not sufficient at all. But mon cheries, what better than to learn, explore and get involved in new, interesting things while I do not have other commitments i.e. family for now? Being busy keeps me on  my toes and keeps my mind from wandering to dark thoughts.

Life is full, and no one tells you how to live or run it, remember this, sweethearts.

In the meantime, I need to sign off for my nightcap and perhaps 40 winks of sleep before I get 40 wrinkles in the morning. Will keep you in my thoughts. Kisses

-----<----(@

Aghast August

Dear Diary, 

August creeps so gently in, I almost missed the line it has crossed.

Thus begins the belief in the seven-year itch, in con-artist's use of magic to influence, in winning wars, in healing holidays, and cherishing the support garnered.

The seven-year itch? Aye, simply a repetition of uncertainties and unpleasantries, like a test waiting for me to pass. It was almost deja vu.

Con artists? Aye, that too. So now its material loss and a trade at stake. Oh well, lose them I shall, but they will someday burn at my own stakes. Sweet things are worth waiting for.

Wars to be won? Mais oui. If I do not, there would be the tattoo of darkness against otherwise unblemished realms. The verdict was a shock, it still stuns me, it all feels so surreal. Sometimes I feel like I'm preparing for a funereal event. So, I have to win this war, by all means. This is indeed a test, a time in which my mind has to work hard, and fast. I am so proud of some of the things I have thought of I am certain there’s a genius in me – just wish I’d worked it harder months back.





Healing holidays on a hiatus basis? I suppose they could help- last week it was a city reachable by coach buses. Food, caves, food, and shopping, and my best friend in le monde.  Next week, the destination would be a city reachable by flight, vineyards, chocolates, animals with pockets below the bosom, and a new good friend's hospitality. Frivolous? Mais non, its a remedy.

I am thankful for the support of those who know the truth and believe only the truth. Speculations and rumors have flown, but only those who deserve the truth were accorded such. Its in times like this I see clearly who're the keepers and who're those to be shown the doors.

August, tres exciting. Its the most memorable thus far. Still, I shall let the rest of this peculiar year slowly unfold ...

Bask in my love in the meantime, sweethearts. Au revoir.

-----<-------(@